...forgive in order to grow...

Even if I'm the only one who reads this, I wish I could be more consistent with it. But having two jobs (working over 50 hours a week) has left little to no time for me to do anything, but pack my lunch and sleep. However, I'm learning a lot about God through people at both jobs. Just watching. Observing. Seeing myself in others. And often seeing something in others I'd like to see in myself.

God has more than equipped me for the road ahead: I've been blessed with a loving and supportive family. A mother who is beyond amazing and supports me in all my foolish endeavors. And the ones she does not support, she acknowledges with love and compassion (and perhaps an occassional touch of frustration). My sister is a rock...solid in her role as a wife and a mother, and as a listener...(even with two screaming kids in the background). I appreciate her patience and often pray more of it upon her. My brother is a true blessing...a nurturing friend with a gentle spirit...he has my mother's heart with my father's wisdom...my mother's rationale with my father's understanding. (I could say so much more about the three of them. And that's not even including my sister-in-law whom I admire for her ability to make the people that she loves a priority, for her fearlessness, and for her determination to bring peace to all situations. Not to mention her fashion sense. My grandma...the most humble woman I have ever met...with the smile and innocence of a saint. Her love is unconditional, but from her lips pour Truth. She is so full of grace. My brother-in-law, a provider, a protector, and one of the most even-keeled people I know (especially in our family). And I could go on and on...to my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, etc. If you are about to leave...don't...I'm not going to continue with the family praise.

All that was just to say, that I am blessed. I am grateful. And I am significant. To them. And to Him. So, why does it feel sometimes like I'm not worthy? Why do I feel like I want to see more in the mirror? More of Him.

As I was reading, "You're Late Again, Lord" (Thanks to my sister, Marilyn)...the chapter fell on forgiveness. How does my forgiveness apply to my worthiness? I realized I feel unworthy because I don't forgive. Myself. Others. In order to feel worthy and to know that I have purpose, that He has purpose for me...I have to forgive myself, for my past...for my mistakes...so that I can move forward without the shortcomings of yesterdays gone by blocking my way.

"Forgiving yourself is hard, when you feel unworthy of God's help..." but "learning to forgive myself was not about justifying or rationalizing past mistakes. It was about learning the difference between the past and the future...Without forgiveness, it's like sitting in a car with all the windows painted black---the road is there, but you can't see it. The car is useless and you get nowhere. Clear away what's blocking your view, and you reveal the path and have the means to travel it. I had to believe that the Lord would no longer remember my shortcomings, but instead, welcome me and help me, not because I had never failed, but because I had chosen to grow again..." (from the book, "You're Late Again, Lord")

And now as I begin to grow again, to strengthen my roots, and stretch toward the light...I realize I should learn from my past, be taught through my experiences....and not wallow in them. God knows where I've been, but He seems far more concerned with where I'm going.